Ethics
by Jade Taylor
Summary: Jacob's version of chapter 26 in Eclipse. "Dozens of emotions raced through my mind, and I didn’t even bother to sort through them all. So this is what it feels like to have your entire world shatter."


Don't remember when I got the idea for this, it just came to me. This is chapter 26 of _Eclipse_ from Jacob's point of view. I just thought that Jacob should get his chance to speak, 'cause it sucks that so many people hate him.  
This should have been posted a while ago, but I didn't realize that I hadn't posted it yet, so sorry. Here it is:

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I laid in my bed, which seemed so tiny to me, even though it took up most of my room. I was trying not to squirm as I waited for Bella to come. I hadn't left her on very good terms. The last time I saw her with my own two eyes, her expression was contorted in fear for my safety, and I wanted to wipe that fear away as soon as I could. I hoped she understood that I couldn't leave my family alone in battle. Besides, it wasn't every day that a horde of bloodsuckers I was _allowed_ to kill came rampaging into town.

I bet she was worried. That's just the way she is. Even though we both know that I would be fine in a week, she would fret. And I'd roll my eyes and say _"Take a chill pill Bells. I'll be fine before you get the chance to blink."_ And she would smile at me, causing my heart to dance.

I wanted to see her so bad. I wanted to hold her in my arms, to feel her lips against mine again. But I would make myself wait. When she wanted to kiss me, she would. I won't trick her into doing it again. I will force myself to be patient. She will come to me, because she loves me. I know she does.

I didn't regret my actions today. It felt so good. And I knew it forced her to realize that she loved me too. I could see it in her eyes. She could no longer ignore it.

But I hoped she didn't suffer for it. I hoped the bloodsucker didn't hurt her. I knew he loved her, so I doubted he would. But still, I was worried. Maybe he had gotten so pissed off that he yelled at her. Maybe he had been mean to her. I would then continue with my plan to swoop her off of her feet, telling her that I could never be angry at her. Then we would prance into the sunset and live happily ever after… God, that sounds corny, but it was better than nothing, right?

We are meant for each other, and she knows it. I would be so much better for her than that filthy bloodsucker. There was no way he could love her more than me. It was physically impossible. And she knows it now. She just has to act on it.

I realized I was fidgeting, my heartbeat accelerating to what must has to be an inhuman speed. Just _thinking_ about her had such an effect on me. I closed my eyes, trying to calm myself down. I didn't want to look like some maniac who was doped up, even though I probably was, thanks to Dr. Fang. He didn't really know how to treat a werewolf.

I lay there for several minutes, completely calm. But my nerves sprang back to life as I saw my door open a crack, and a head of dark hair poke in, her chocolate brown eyes dazzling me. I had almost forgotten how to breathe. But I quickly composed myself as much as I could and looked towards her, my face blank.

She looked down as she walked in and shut the door behind her. I marveled again at her beauty. How could someone so magnificent be here, standing before me? She was like the moon. She would always return to me, as magnificent as always.

She looked into my eyes and murmured, "Hi, Jake." I realized that it was causing her pain to see me like this.

I forced myself to give her a mocking smile. "Yeah, I sort of thought it might be like that." I sighed. "Today has definitely taken a turn for the worse. First I pick the wrong place, miss the best fight, and Seth gets all the glory. Then Leah has to be an idiot trying to prove she's as tough as the rest of us and I have to be the idiot who saves her. And now this" I waved my hand toward her, still hesitating in the doorway. I was trying to cheer her up, but it didn't seem to be working.

"How are you feeling?" She asked, looking at me, her forehead creased with worry.

"A little stoned." I stated, and repeated my earlier thoughts about Carlisle.

"But you're not in pain?" I knew she would fuss over me.

"No. At least, I can't feel my injuries." I hadn't actually meant to say that. But maybe if I got her to postpone the wedding out of guilt for my sake, I would have more time to remind her that she really did love me.

But when I looked up and saw her looking at the ground, in an expression of horror, I knew I couldn't do that to her. I wiped the dry humor from my face and studied her closely. "How about you? Are you okay?" I wondered if she had been hurt at all during the battle with Victoria. I wish I was there to protect her.

"_Me?"_ She stared at me, completely astonished. _"Why?_

I realized that she might not want to think about it, when she seen someone ripped to shreds a few feet away from her. I quickly changed the subject to something else that was lingering in my mind. "Well, I mean, I was pretty sure that he wouldn't actually _hurt _you, but I wasn't sure how bad it was going to be. I've been going a little crazy with worrying about you ever since I woke up. I didn't know if you were going to be allowed to visit or anything. The suspense was terrible. How did it go? Was he mean to you? I'm sorry if it was bad. I didn't mean for you to have to go through that alone. I was thinking I'd be there…."

I continued babbling, unsure what else to do. Maybe I hadn't planned this out. Her eyes widened in understanding and she broke through my rambling.

"No, no, Jake! I'm fine. Too fine, really. Of course he wasn't mean. I wish!"

My eyes widened in horror as I realized what she was saying. _"What?"_

"He wasn't even mad at me – he wasn't even mad at _you_! He's so unselfish it makes me feel even worse. I wish he would have yelled at me or something. It's not like I don't deserve… well, much worse than getting yelled at. But he doesn't care. He just wants mw to be _happy._"

"He wasn't mad?" I asked, incredulous. My plan _failed_?

"No. He was… much too kind." She shook her head sorrowfully.

I stared at her, not really knowing what to do. "Well, _damn_!"

Bella misunderstood. "What's wrong, Jake? Does it hurt?"

I shook my head. "No," I grumbled, annoyed. "I can't believe this! He didn't give you an ultimatum or anything?"

"Not even close – what's wrong with you?" She didn't comprehend.

I scowled, pissed that the leach had seen through my strategy. "I was sort of counting on his reaction. Damn it all. He's better than I thought."

She was silent as understanding dawned on her. Then she said quietly, not looking directly at me, "He's not playing any game, Jake."

How could she not see it? "You bet he is. He's playing every bit as hard as I am, only he knows what he's doing and I don't. Don't blame me because he is a better manipulator than I am – I haven't been around long enough to learn all his tricks."

"He isn't manipulating me!" She exclaimed.

"Yes he is! When are you going to wake up and realize that he's not as perfect as you think he is?"

"At least he didn't threaten to kill himself to make me kiss him," she snapped at me. As soon as she said it, her face twisted into a mask of regret. "Wait. Pretend that didn't slip out. I swore to myself that I wasn't going to say anything about that."

I was curious. That wasn't like her. I took a deep breath and asked, "Why not?"

She sighed. "Because I didn't come here to blame you for anything."

"It's true though," I admitted shamelessly, "I did do that."

"I don't care, Jake. I'm not mad."

I smiled. I knew she wouldn't be. And even if she was, Bella couldn't hold a grudge to save her life. "I don't care, either. I knew you'd forgive me, and I'm glad I did it. I'd do it again. At least I have that much. At least I made you see that you _do _love me. That's worth something."

"Is it? Is it really better than if I was still in the dark?" My heart was practically singing. She had admitted it. She loved me. I could hardly believe it. The love of my life loved me back. I was overcome with joy.

"Don't you think you ought to know how you feel – just so that it doesn't take you by surprise someday when it's too late and you're a married vampire?"

"No – I didn't mean better for me. I meant better for _you_. Does it make things better or worse for you, having me know that I'm in love with you? When it doesn't make a difference either way. Would it have been better, easier for you, if I never clued in?" She didn't look at me as she said this.

My brain finally registered the true meaning of her words. She wasn't going to pick me. She loved me, but she loved him more. How could I have been so stupid, thinking that she would have chosen me? I didn't deserve her. Dozens of emotions raced through my mind, and I didn't even bother to sort through them all. So this is what it feels like to have your entire world shatter.

When I spoke, I was surprised by how calm my voice was. "Yes, it's better to have you know. If you hadn't figured it out… I'd have always wondered if your decision would have been different if you had. Now I know. I did everything I could." I closed my eyes, fighting the tears that tried to break through.

I could hear Bella kneeling down beside me, and felt her rest her head against my cheek. I put a hand on her hair, wishing I could hold her there, make her stay with me. But I knew I couldn't.

"I'm so sorry, Jake." I could hear the pain in her voice.

"I always knew this was a long shot. It's not your fault, Bella." I tried to reassure her, but my words sounded empty.

She didn't seem to notice, and moaned, "Not you, too. Please."

I reluctantly pulled away from her so I could study her face. "What?"

She looked at me, her eyes full of sorrow and regret. "It _is _my fault. And I'm so sick of being told it's not."

I hated to see her in pain. It made me feel sick. So I pushed a half-hearted smile onto my face. "You want me to haul you over the coals?"

"Actually… I think I do."

Trying to make her smile, I twisted my face into a scowl and did as she asked. "Kissing me back like that was inexcusable. If you knew you were just going to take it back, maybe you shouldn't have been quite so convincing about it."

She nodded, not looking at me. "I'm so sorry."

I continued saying the opposite of what I felt, determined to do whatever I could to make Bella happy. "Sorry doesn't make anything better, Bella. What were you thinking?"

"I wasn't."

"You should have told me to go die. That's what you want."

"No, Jacob. No! Never." She whimpered, tears rolling down her cheeks.

"You're not crying?" I asked, dropping the act. This was not the result I desired. Instead of making her feel better, I had only made things worse. Why am I so stupid? Can't I do anything right?

"Yeah." She said, trying to laugh through her sobs.

I struggled to my feet. If I could stand, I would hug her, like the old times. Back then, I didn't screw up so much.

She seemed to realize that I was trying to get up and leapt to her feet. "What are you doing? Lie down, you idiot, you'll hurt yourself!" She pushed me back onto the bed. I fell back and gasped in pain. Then I grabbed her and pulled her down so that she leaned against my good side. If I couldn't get up to hug her, I would make her come down. She curled up against me, trying to stop crying.

"I can't believe you're crying," I mumbled, "You know I just said those things because you wanted me to. I didn't mean them." I rubbed my hand against her shoulders, trying to soothe her.

"I know," She responded, taking a deep breath. She seemed to be a bit more in control now. "It's all still true, though. Thanks for saying it out loud."

I tried to cheer her up, "Do I get points for making you cry?"

"Sure, Jake." She tried to smile, but failed. "As many as you want."

I hated this. I hated causing her pain. I took a deep breath. "Don't worry, Bella, honey. It's all going to work out."

"I don't see how," she muttered dryly.

"I'm going to give in and be good."

"More games?" she said, eyeing me doubtfully.

"Maybe." I tired to laugh, but it came out sounding weird. "But I'm going to try."

She frowned, obviously not believing me.

"Don't be so pessimistic," I objected, "Give me a little credit."

"What do you mean by 'be good'?"

"I'll be your friend, Bella. I won't ask for more than that."

She still seemed doubtful. "I think it's too late for that, Jake. How can we be friends, when we love each other like this?"

I stared at the ceiling, trying to keep my emotions in check. I knew she was right. So I reluctantly voiced the truth. "Maybe… it will have to be a long-distance friendship."

I continued to watch the ceiling, trying to gain control of my emotions. I needed to reassure her that I will be okay, that she doesn't need to worry about me. It wouldn't work if I broke down in front of her.

"You know that story in the Bible? The one with the king and the two women fighting over the baby?" It felt weird, bringing up the Bible in a situation like this. Bella was choosing a vampire over a werewolf. This was far from God.

"Sure. King Solomon." I could hear the confusion in her voice, but I still couldn't look at her.

"That's right. King Solomon. And he said, cut the kid in half… but it was only a test. Just to see who would give up their share to protect it."

"Yeah, I remember."

I finally looked at her. Her eyes were shining with tears that hadn't been spilt, and he face was blotchy. How could someone look so beautiful? "I'm not going to cut you in half anymore, Bella."

I knew she would understand what I was hinting. That I loved her more than he did. I silently begged her to defend him, so that maybe, just maybe, I could find a little bit of over-defensiveness that I could use to hope that she would change her mind. Instead, she closed her eyes, not wanting to argue with me.

We sat in silence. I felt empty. I didn't know what to do.

"Can I tell you what the worst part is?" I asked after a moment of silence, "Do you mind? I _am _going to be good."

"Will it help?"

"It might," I lied. Nothing could help ease the pain I felt now. "It couldn't hurt."

"What's the worst part, then?" She sounded reluctant.

"The worse part is knowing what would have been."

"What _might _have been."

"No. I'm exactly right for you, Bella. It would have been effortless for us – comfortable, easy as breathing. I was the natural path your life would have taken…" I broke off, trying to suppress the memories of some of the dreams I had, of Bella having my children, of us getting married, of me and her living a normal, perfect life… "If the world was what it was supposed too be, if there were no monsters and no magic…" I couldn't continue. It was too hard. It hurt too much.

I watched her think about it for a moment, before gently saying, "He's like a drug for you, Bella. I see that you can't live without him now. It's too late. But I would have been healthier for you. Not a drug; I would have been the air, the sun."

She smiled, although it didn't touch her eyes. "I used to think of you that way, you know. Like the sun. My personal sun. You balanced out the clouds so nicely for me."

"The clouds I can handle. But I can't fight with an eclipse."

She touched my cheek, and I closed my eyes, relishing it for a few moments.

"Tell me the worst part for you."

She sighed. "I think that might be a bad idea."

"Please."

"I think it will hurt."

"Please." I repeated.

"The worst part… the worst part is that I saw the whole thing – our whole life. And I want it bad, Jake, I want it all. I want to stay right here and never move. I want to love you and make you happy. And I can't, and it's killing me. It's like Sam and Emily, Jake – I never had a choice. I always knew nothing would change. Maybe that's why I was fighting against you so hard."

I had to concentrate on controlling my expression. It hurt to know that she had seen everything that I did, a perfect life with nothing but each other. But she was right. It didn't change anything.

"I knew I shouldn't have told you that."

"No. I'm glad you did. Thank you." I kissed the top of her head, my lips lingering there for a few seconds longer than necessary. "I'll be good now."

I smiled down at her, throwing my self into the role of being her friend. I needed to convince her that I would be alright. "So you're getting married, huh?"

"We don't have to talk about that."

"I'd like to know some of the details. I don't know when I'll talk to you again."

She was silent for a moment, trying to compose herself. "It's not really my idea… but yes. It means a lot to him. I figure, why not?"

"That's true. It's not such a big thing – in comparison." I made myself say it. I thought I was hiding my feelings pretty well. But then she looked into my eyes, and I was forced to look away.

She was silent for a moment, before saying, "Yes. In comparison."

"How long do you have left?" I needed to know.

"That depends on how long it takes Alice to pull a wedding together," She said dryly.

"Before or after?"

"After." I was relieved.

"Are you scared?" I whispered.

"Yes."

"What are you afraid of?" I stared at her hands. I was finding it hard to look at her face. It reminded me of all the things that I would miss. Even looking at her hands was a challenge, remembering all the times I had held them in my grasp.

"Lot's of things. I've never been much of a masochist, so I'm not looking forward to the pain." I suppressed a growl. I didn't want to think about the pain she would have to endure. "And I wish there was some way to keep _him_ away – I don't want him to suffer with me, but I don't think there's any way around it. There's dealing with Charlie, too, and Renée… And then afterward, I hope I'll be able to control myself _soon_. Maybe I'll be such a menace that the pack will have to take me out."

"I'd hamstring any one of my brothers who tried." And I knew that it was true. I would choose Bella over any one of them in a heartbeat."

"Thanks."

"But isn't it more dangerous than that? In all of the stories, they say it's too hard… they loose control… people die…" I gulped. What if they accidentally killed her?

"No, I'm not afraid of that. Silly Jacob – don't you know better than to believe vampire stories?" she teased. When she saw that I wasn't amused, she continued, "Well, anyway, lots to worry about. But worth it, in the end."

I didn't agree with her. She would be far better off if she remained human. If she remained _alive_.

She reached her head up and whispered in my ear, "You know I love you."

My nerves were starting to tear apart. I closed my eyes. "I know. You know how much I wish it was enough."

"Yes"

I opened my eyes and struggled to make my tone lighter. "I'll always be waiting in the wings, Bella. You'll always have that spare option if you want it." She pulled away from me slowly and stood from my bed.

"Until my heart stops beating."

I smiled, "You know, I think maybe I'd still take you – maybe. I guess that depends on how you stink." And I realized I would. Even as a vampire, I would never be able to turn away my Bella.

"Should I come back to see you? Or would you rather I didn't?"

"I'll think it through and get back to you." I didn't want this to be the last time I saw her, but I also didn't know if I would be able to handle seeing her anytime soon. "I might need the company to keep from going crazy. The vampire surgeon extraordinaire says I can't phase until he gives the okay – it might mess up the way the bones are set." I hated the idea of being here, restrained to my bed, left with nothing but my thoughts. And I knew there would only be one person that I would think about.

"Be good and do what Carlisle tells you to do. You'll get well faster." She was fussing again.

"Sure, sure."

"I wonder when it will happen. When the right girl is going to catch your eye."

Yeah, right. "Don't get your hopes up, Bella. Though I'm sure it would be a relief for you."

"Maybe, maybe not. I probably won't think she's good enough for you. I wonder how jealous I'll be."

"That part might be kind of fun." But I knew it would never happen. I will never love any girl more than I love Isabella Swan.

"Let me know if you want me to come back, and I'll be here." She kissed my cheek. "Love you, Jacob."

"Love you more." I wanted nothing more than for her to contradict me. No, that wasn't true. I wanted her to jump back in my bed and say that she had changed her mind, that she didn't need him; that she would rather be with me…

But she didn't do either, and I knew that she never would. She turned and walked out of my room, my torn, mangled heart following her. I slowly closed my eyes and let all the emotions I had been holding in wash over my hollow body.

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I was very depressed after writing this, due to the mood as well as how long it took. Please drop me a review.

Special thanks to **Roses of Sharon**, for being my amazing beta reader and helping me out so much. You rock.


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